Sea Turtles

It appeared to be a clear evening. The night sky was a dark blue but I could see no stars. I walked up close to a building in front of me. I knew of this building but I did not know my connection with it. It was a grand luxury condominium building. I believe someone I knew may have lived there.

I was wearing denim shorts, flip flops and a tank top. I walked along the side of the building because it was surrounded by water. There was a nice moat around it that seemed like a miniature boardwalk or dock. It looked sturdy and wide enough to be walked on. When I tried to look out towards the end if it, I couldn’t see where it led or where it stopped because the wooden planks curved with the building and I couldn’t tell what lay around the corner.

I took one careful step out onto this moat/boardwalk/dock type of structure. The water around me and ahead of me was so calm, beautiful and inviting that it drew me further and further out there. The wooden planks began to narrow in width as I got closer to the bend. Suddenly, the still waters roughened. Waves started to appear, slowly at first, then the whole body of water surged.

The water rose, steadily, quickly, and fear seized me, my lungs were closing in panic and knots were forming fast in my stomach. In my panic stricken state, I stood frozen, arrested by the growing waves. Terror finally snapped me out of my spell and my first thought was to get onto my stomach, lay flat and hold on tight to the sides of the dock and shimmy as fast as I could back towards the concrete sidewalk.

As I began, I looked behind me and squinted at what I saw. Through the massive waves that were now arching into the sky, a gigantic sea turtle emerged, effortlessly surfing through. Then a second followed and a third. As I watched these three sea turtles swimming towards me, a sense of relief washed over me. I thought, if these sea turtles can survive this, maybe I will too… And I waited until the first one swam by, close enough beside me before I took a big gulp of air and launched myself off of the dock, onto the sea turtle and closed my eyes, hanging on, praying for dear life.

As the waves engulfed me, I held on tight for the ride. The turbulence of everything finally calmed and when I was able to open my eyes, I found myself back on the sidewalk. The sea turtles had disappeared, the waves died down and the water retreated completely. I stood up, soaking wet and dripping, and stared out at the body of water that was now just as tranquil and undisturbed as it was in the beginning.

I looked myself up and down and that’s when I realized I was naked. Grateful to have survived the peril out there, I didn’t mind that I was missing all of my clothes. I dropped to my knees and heaved a huge sigh of relief at my survival. Before getting up to find a way into this building to dry off and clothe myself, I took one last look over my shoulder. The last thing I thought was, “How beautiful.. “

Is this Love? Or is this Magic?

We lay under an endless ceiling of suspended confetti that twinkled sharply against the vast darkness. The pregnant moon hung like the single bulb of a grand chandelier. When I relaxed my eyes the stars blurred and I felt lifted, floating weightless in the moment. A squeeze from his arms drew me back down into the earth that cradled us. The bass of his deep voice and the steady beat at which he spoke lulled me towards sleepy fantasies. I no longer heard his words yet, I listened to everything he said.

When it was my turn to speak, I swam back towards consciousness to respond to all of his curiosities, whims and peculiarities because I shared them and understood them when no one else did. This delighted him and he expressed it with enthusiastic kisses on which ever body parts of mine lay closest to him. I nuzzled my face further into the crook of his shoulder, with one hand resting on his ribs, as if to say, “Yes, yes, I understand it all!”

With my ear to his chest now, I listened to the vibrato within as he carried on, speaking for both of us on our common desires and dreams. It soothed my muscles and before I closed my eyes to let my mind drift into the wind, I reflected back on how I had known this man for exactly 12 hours since this morning’s sunrise. I took one deep breath in, then exhaled, safe and relaxed, and wondered – is this love? Or is this magic?


After a night of dark memories mixed into my dreams and evolved into nightmares, I woke up with an immediate sense of discouragement. Once I shook off the evil little chills and found my bearings, a thought flashed across my mind and I whispered out loud, “Foundations.”

As usual, it was as if my subconscious worked tirelessly throughout the night to formulate for my conscious self what it could not do on its own. I had no foundation left – everything I once planted had all been uprooted by now, for better or for worse. I will need to build from the ground up again and build anew, one brick at a time, small or large.

Bricks – all around me and I wasn’t able to see the signs that were laid out in front of my eyes until now. I shall begin.

Flame, White & Gold – In The Air, Out to Sea and Beneath My Feet

As I continue to practice cathartic releases in the form of metaphorical actions within my mind, I hope that they will cause a physical “purging” from my mind and body. But, since these actions remain within me, I need “witnesses” to bear testimony to them. So these witnesses are you. This is what I “spent my day doing”. The first activity is for Xxx. The second is for Xxxxxx. The third is for Xxxxxxx. Simply because every time I “release” I must release again for Xxxxxxx. After all, it is like a tumor that I can only remove the majority of each time.

Scalding hot and flaming white, I take this sphere and blow on it to cool it down. Then juggling it from hand to hand to avoid searing myself, I wrap this in pink chiffon and tie a pretty white ribbon around it. I grasp it with the full palm of my right hand and, winding up from my waist to my shoulder, I launch this sizzling sphere as hard and as far as my arms have the power to into the atmosphere. I watch it for as long as I can, until the sphere becomes a moving speck in the sky, hurtling up and up into the distance. I wait and I assume it has reached its destination in the clouds because I see a tiny burst of flame and sprinkles of debris. Then a magenta lightening bolt explodes into an array of warm colored daggers throughout the clouds coloring the immediate area with blinding streaks of light as it dissipates outward until the palest of the colors fade into the blurred white clouds. I stand there for a moment looking up at the sky. I feel satisfied. I will be patient now and wait for an indefinite amount of time, sometime into the future, until the energy I’ve released upwards may (hopefully) shower back down on me again in whatever form the Universe decides to re-introduce it.

I am at the beach. The sand is cool and soft and I sink in with every step I take. The texture is refreshing and reassuring. I walk as close to the water as possible without having my feet touch it. I don’t want to be submerged in any way. I take out this sphere. It is white, solid but fragile. It is also very clean. I take out a rag and wipe it down quickly once more. I wrap this in white chiffon and tie it with a white ribbon. I place my right foot back, and grasping this sphere in my right hand, I exhale with one strong thrust of my right arm as I skip it into the ocean. It goes pretty far, with a good speed and skips once then sinks into the water. I watch through the ripples. A large wave comes. It has disappeared from sight. I see no signs of this sphere at all. I wait for a moment. Acknowledging that it must be sinking and drifting farther and farther away, I silently hope that the energy in this sphere will slowly dissolve and work its way through the waters, travelling to wherever it is most appropriate before surfacing again and evaporating into the Universe.

I am at an apple orchard. I walk through rows of apple trees until I find a few trees with powerful looking trunks and roots that appear to be buried in dense, healthy mounds of the earth. I take out this sphere that has been heavily weighing down my pocket. I use both hands to handle it. This is a gold sphere, solid, dense and heavy. It gleams. I wrap this in red chiffon and tie it with white ribbon. I set this down carefully beside me, squatting down to place it on the ground. I remembered to bring a heavy duty shovel. I shovel for close to two hours. I look down at the well I’ve created. It looks ominous as I peer over the edge. I take a step back to steady myself. As ominous as it is, it also has a slightly comforting feel, with the consistent dark brown color of dirt. I walk over to the sphere. Using both hands again I carry it over to the well I’ve dug. I inhale deeply, then exhale slowly and let both hands go, dropping this sphere into the hole. There is a distinct THUD as it hits the bottom. It sways back and forth a bit and, as I suspected might happen, the weight and impact of it causes the sphere to fall right through what I thought was the bottom of the hole. It disappears into darkness. I have released this energy before. It has come back time and again. At this point in my life, the energy has grown and consolidated into the substance that lives in that gold sphere. I am saddened that I have released it yet again, since it has grown into such a large mass. I am immediately overcome with sadness and heartache. But as I kneel over the edge, straining my eyes to see into the darkness at the bottom of this well. I receive some comfort. We are bound to the earth. Good things come from the earth. I have released so much energy into the earth within that gold sphere that I know it will eventually seep out slowly. The energy will rise, latching on to the roots of all things that grow beneath our feet. It will make its way back up to land once more. And so, my last hope as I kneel here, is that the new form of this energy will be something positive and nourishing for all to benefit from.

Everything Will Be Alright

I was experiencing this dream in first person, as well as an observer looking on. It played like a movie on-screen but, starring me.

It was the present but my surroundings were that of my past. I walked home on a muggy summer night from my job. I didn’t know what my job was in my dream but, I was physically exhausted as if I had done manual labor for most of the day. My surroundings seemed to resemble West Philadelphia where I lived for a couple of years. The mood was forlorn and solemn. I walked up the steps to my dimly lit porch. It was a multi-family house. I entered into the narrow corridor and was greeted by someone who might have been a cook or a maid that I shared my quarters with. I couldn’t tell if I was her superior or equal.

I started to undress in a very tiny bathroom when the cook/maid knocked on the door and said there was someone who had arrived earlier today and had been waiting all night to see me. I asked who it was and she said, “You’ll see.” I was confused and agitated by this late night surprise. I cautiously peered out of my tiny bathroom, then walked out of the “apartment” into the hallway. I looked up at the landing to find a male dressed in a suit with dark hair and a mustache. At first I had no idea who he was. Then I realized he was an old boss of mine who I hadn’t seen in almost a decade. He looked at me and said, “Do you recognize me?” I said yes of course…

I don’t know why or how, but I knew in my dream he was in love with me. And I wondered, “Why did he come all this way in secret?” We changed into more casual clothes. It was daylight out all of a sudden. We headed towards another similar house that looked like a campus frat house. It appeared desolate but once “Boss” rang the doorbell and knocked twice, a secret doorway opened up. We walked up the stairs into a roaring party. I looked at “Boss” and he, as well as all the scenery, changed into a more modern, jovial and familiar pace.

My brother was suddenly with me. A male, someone generic looking, welcomed us and offered us shots. I declined and went to explore the rest of the party with my brother. We went up another set of stairs and there was a lot of commotion. We found a group of people hovering over a girl who was choking. I ordered everyone to step aside so my brother could take a look as an EMT. He gave the girl the Heimlich maneuver and she stared spitting up stones. I was confused and disgusted so I left my brother to tend to her while I continued up another set of stairs.

I reached the top and walked into a large bedroom that I thought was empty. I walked in and saw clothes and shoes and suitcases lying around, as if someone was packing in a rush for a very long trip. A golden retriever suddenly trotted in and I was delighted to see him. I be t down to pet him, ruffled his ears and played with him. Then a male walked in, dark complexioned with a handsome face and a shaved head. He asked if I liked his dog and I said I loved the dog to pieces. He tried to finish packing and told me he was taking his dog with him, and that I should run away with him too. I laughed and said I didn’t think it was possible. He didn’t respond but he didn’t look happy.

I walked to the other side of the room and exited through another door, leaving him there packing with his dog. I found another set of stairs and descended. At the bottom, I found the man I had recently been seeing and with whom I had reached a point of discord. I walked into his arms, hesitantly. I reached up to hug him and he hugged me back. Then he kissed me and said, “Everything will be alright.” When I opened my eyes to look back at him, I woke up.

How To Drink Scotch

We clinked our glasses in mutual agreement after sharing a belly aching laugh over something only the two of us could find humor in, without having to verbalize the absurdity. He placed his drink down at the bar and excused himself to the men’s room. I watched him walk away with his easy gait and that carefree air about him, as though he were a perpetual wanderer in pursuit of nothing other than discoveries of the moment.

I felt a touch on my shoulder and turned to see the face of an attractive older woman whose age could only have been revealed by looking directly into her eyes. With slight laugh lines that curtained her wide smile, she looked at me and said in a friendly tone, “I’m sorry to bother you but, are you two together?”

“Him?” I responded, nodding towards the direction he left in. I was slightly amused. “No,” I answered. “We’re not together.”

“Well, darling,” the woman started, with a twinkle in her eye, “I find that I’m much wiser now than I used to be. And I couldn’t help but notice your chemistry from across the bar. I was envious of the way you were together, so natural and comfortable. You ought to make that man yours.”

I laughed genuinely and heartily at her sincere words to me. “That man right there,” I said pointing towards the figure making his way back towards us, “is my ex-husband.”

The woman’s face froze for a nano-second before a look of surprise and puzzlement took over. “Really? Wow… But you could have fooled anyone! Why on earth did you two separate?”

“It would take a lifetime to tell our story,” I said and smiling sweetly I added, “I have no doubt you are more experienced and wiser but, I do believe that life and love remain a mystery to us all. Wouldn’t you agree?”

“Well, sweetie, cheers to that… And best of luck to you both.” We toasted and she took a sip of her red wine before flashing another grin, glancing at him next to me.

I wished her a goodnight and turned back to my companion for the evening. My friend now, and part of my story. He winked at me as he took a gulp of his scotch.

Distance Hurdler

I am by nature, more of a selfish person than I’d like to be but, I do freely admit it. My selfishness has served me well in certain areas and not so well in others. I am also a firm believer in the fact that God places obstacles in our path again and again until we finally learn the lessons that we are meant to learn. That being said, I know for certain that God has placed you in my path or better yet, led me to you for a myriad of reasons but mostly, to rid me of my selfish ways. Or at the very least, mitigate them before they consume me.

Some lessons are simpler and easy to learn. The people who embody these types of more feasible lessons are the ones who come and go, in and out of our lives because they’ve served their purposes and we’ve learned our lessons then parted ways for the better. Then there are the lessons that take no less than a lifetime to teach. You are one of them.

I believe the lesson here is tri-fold – to love someone truly (without contingencies); wholly (including every flaw, major and minute); and selflessly (giving with every fiber of my being without consequence). I believe that until I master this type of selflessness, which of course cannot be done until I master a higher form of patience, I will never be rid of you. And I know this because, until I learn to act selflessly, I will never want to be rid of you. I will always want you – physically, emotionally, intellectually because I believe that you represent all of the things that I cannot grow to be on my own.

And there lies the ultimate lesson to be deciphered and absorbed in all of its complexity – To be rewarded by receiving nothing. To be become less selfish, I will need to give selflessly to another. The more of me I give away, the stronger I will become – bare-boned and free of distracting entanglements – stronger with less.

So if this is the lesson I am meant to learn then perhaps I have not quite learned it yet. Or perhaps, I am just not done loving you


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