I want the kind of love that can only be born from two people having journeyed tirelessly and endured so much exhaustion to reach one another, that their first and final sighting of each other ignites a fire so powerful it heats them for eternity, and fills a well so deep they never thirst again for as long as they live.
It appeared to be a clear evening. The night sky was a dark blue but I could see no stars. I walked up close to a building in front of me. I knew of this building but I did not know my connection with it. It was a grand luxury condominium building. I believe someone I knew may have lived there.
I was wearing denim shorts, flip flops and a tank top. I walked along the side of the building because it was surrounded by water. There was a nice moat around it that seemed like a miniature boardwalk or dock. It looked sturdy and wide enough to be walked on. When I tried to look out towards the end if it, I couldn’t see where it led or where it stopped because the wooden planks curved with the building and I couldn’t tell what lay around the corner.
I took one careful step out onto this moat/boardwalk/dock type of structure. The water around me and ahead of me was so calm, beautiful and inviting that it drew me further and further out there. The wooden planks began to narrow in width as I got closer to the bend. Suddenly, the still waters roughened. Waves started to appear, slowly at first, then the whole body of water surged.
The water rose, steadily, quickly, and fear seized me, my lungs were closing in panic and knots were forming fast in my stomach. In my panic stricken state, I stood frozen, arrested by the growing waves. Terror finally snapped me out of my spell and my first thought was to get onto my stomach, lay flat and hold on tight to the sides of the dock and shimmy as fast as I could back towards the concrete sidewalk.
As I began, I looked behind me and squinted at what I saw. Through the massive waves that were now arching into the sky, a gigantic sea turtle emerged, effortlessly surfing through. Then a second followed and a third. As I watched these three sea turtles swimming towards me, a sense of relief washed over me. I thought, if these sea turtles can survive this, maybe I will too… And I waited until the first one swam by, close enough beside me before I took a big gulp of air and launched myself off of the dock, onto the sea turtle and closed my eyes, hanging on, praying for dear life.
As the waves engulfed me, I held on tight for the ride. The turbulence of everything finally calmed and when I was able to open my eyes, I found myself back on the sidewalk. The sea turtles had disappeared, the waves died down and the water retreated completely. I stood up, soaking wet and dripping, and stared out at the body of water that was now just as tranquil and undisturbed as it was in the beginning.
I looked myself up and down and that’s when I realized I was naked. Grateful to have survived the peril out there, I didn’t mind that I was missing all of my clothes. I dropped to my knees and heaved a huge sigh of relief at my survival. Before getting up to find a way into this building to dry off and clothe myself, I took one last look over my shoulder. The last thing I thought was, “How beautiful.. “
We lay under an endless ceiling of suspended confetti that twinkled sharply against the vast darkness. The pregnant moon hung like the single bulb of a grand chandelier. When I relaxed my eyes the stars blurred and I felt lifted, floating weightless in the moment. A squeeze from his arms drew me back down into the earth that cradled us. The bass of his deep voice and the steady beat at which he spoke lulled me towards sleepy fantasies. I no longer heard his words yet, I listened to everything he said.
When it was my turn to speak, I swam back towards consciousness to respond to all of his curiosities, whims and peculiarities because I shared them and understood them when no one else did. This delighted him and he expressed it with enthusiastic kisses on which ever body parts of mine lay closest to him. I nuzzled my face further into the crook of his shoulder, with one hand resting on his ribs, as if to say, “Yes, yes, I understand it all!”
With my ear to his chest now, I listened to the vibrato within as he carried on, speaking for both of us on our common desires and dreams. It soothed my muscles and before I closed my eyes to let my mind drift into the wind, I reflected back on how I had known this man for exactly 12 hours since this morning’s sunrise. I took one deep breath in, then exhaled, safe and relaxed, and wondered – is this love? Or is this magic?
After a night of dark memories mixed into my dreams and evolved into nightmares, I woke up with an immediate sense of discouragement. Once I shook off the evil little chills and found my bearings, a thought flashed across my mind and I whispered out loud, “Foundations.”
As usual, it was as if my subconscious worked tirelessly throughout the night to formulate for my conscious self what it could not do on its own. I had no foundation left – everything I once planted had all been uprooted by now, for better or for worse. I will need to build from the ground up again and build anew, one brick at a time, small or large.
Bricks – all around me and I wasn’t able to see the signs that were laid out in front of my eyes until now. I shall begin.
As I continue to practice cathartic releases in the form of metaphorical actions within my mind, I hope that they will cause a physical “purging” from my mind and body. But, since these actions remain within me, I need “witnesses” to bear testimony to them. So these witnesses are you. This is what I “spent my day doing”. The first activity is for Xxx. The second is for Xxxxxx. The third is for Xxxxxxx. Simply because every time I “release” I must release again for Xxxxxxx. After all, it is like a tumor that I can only remove the majority of each time.
Scalding hot and flaming white, I take this sphere and blow on it to cool it down. Then juggling it from hand to hand to avoid searing myself, I wrap this in pink chiffon and tie a pretty white ribbon around it. I grasp it with the full palm of my right hand and, winding up from my waist to my shoulder, I launch this sizzling sphere as hard and as far as my arms have the power to into the atmosphere. I watch it for as long as I can, until the sphere becomes a moving speck in the sky, hurtling up and up into the distance. I wait and I assume it has reached its destination in the clouds because I see a tiny burst of flame and sprinkles of debris. Then a magenta lightening bolt explodes into an array of warm colored daggers throughout the clouds coloring the immediate area with blinding streaks of light as it dissipates outward until the palest of the colors fade into the blurred white clouds. I stand there for a moment looking up at the sky. I feel satisfied. I will be patient now and wait for an indefinite amount of time, sometime into the future, until the energy I’ve released upwards may (hopefully) shower back down on me again in whatever form the Universe decides to re-introduce it.
I am at the beach. The sand is cool and soft and I sink in with every step I take. The texture is refreshing and reassuring. I walk as close to the water as possible without having my feet touch it. I don’t want to be submerged in any way. I take out this sphere. It is white, solid but fragile. It is also very clean. I take out a rag and wipe it down quickly once more. I wrap this in white chiffon and tie it with a white ribbon. I place my right foot back, and grasping this sphere in my right hand, I exhale with one strong thrust of my right arm as I skip it into the ocean. It goes pretty far, with a good speed and skips once then sinks into the water. I watch through the ripples. A large wave comes. It has disappeared from sight. I see no signs of this sphere at all. I wait for a moment. Acknowledging that it must be sinking and drifting farther and farther away, I silently hope that the energy in this sphere will slowly dissolve and work its way through the waters, travelling to wherever it is most appropriate before surfacing again and evaporating into the Universe.
I am at an apple orchard. I walk through rows of apple trees until I find a few trees with powerful looking trunks and roots that appear to be buried in dense, healthy mounds of the earth. I take out this sphere that has been heavily weighing down my pocket. I use both hands to handle it. This is a gold sphere, solid, dense and heavy. It gleams. I wrap this in red chiffon and tie it with white ribbon. I set this down carefully beside me, squatting down to place it on the ground. I remembered to bring a heavy duty shovel. I shovel for close to two hours. I look down at the well I’ve created. It looks ominous as I peer over the edge. I take a step back to steady myself. As ominous as it is, it also has a slightly comforting feel, with the consistent dark brown color of dirt. I walk over to the sphere. Using both hands again I carry it over to the well I’ve dug. I inhale deeply, then exhale slowly and let both hands go, dropping this sphere into the hole. There is a distinct THUD as it hits the bottom. It sways back and forth a bit and, as I suspected might happen, the weight and impact of it causes the sphere to fall right through what I thought was the bottom of the hole. It disappears into darkness. I have released this energy before. It has come back time and again. At this point in my life, the energy has grown and consolidated into the substance that lives in that gold sphere. I am saddened that I have released it yet again, since it has grown into such a large mass. I am immediately overcome with sadness and heartache. But as I kneel over the edge, straining my eyes to see into the darkness at the bottom of this well. I receive some comfort. We are bound to the earth. Good things come from the earth. I have released so much energy into the earth within that gold sphere that I know it will eventually seep out slowly. The energy will rise, latching on to the roots of all things that grow beneath our feet. It will make its way back up to land once more. And so, my last hope as I kneel here, is that the new form of this energy will be something positive and nourishing for all to benefit from.